The Big Book of Boy Stuff Read online

  Thanks for letting me smell exciting things like pee and dirt when we go for walks. I see lots of dogs getting dragged along by their owners and not getting to stop for the best part of the walk: smelling dookie!

  Well, that’s about it. Oh yeah, you know how there is something you blame on me when guests are around? Stop doing that. Everyone knows it’s you.

  Thanks again!

  Your Dog

  Special Feature: Dog Safety Tips

  Every year, over 4 million people in the United States are bitten by dogs. So beware, and please read the following very important information!

  Lesson 1: Train Your Dog!

  Train your dog not to go berserk when a mail carrier comes to the door. Also, don’t allow your dog to bite the mail as it comes through the mail slot; this will only teach your dog to attack innocent envelopes.

  Lesson 2: A Strange Dog Approaches You!

  Stand still with your hands at your sides. Pretend you are a tree until the dog leaves. Perhaps your “bark” will scare it away! (For obvious reasons, do not imitate a fire hydrant unless you want wet pants.) Practice this technique with a stuffed toy dog. If the stuffed dog attacks you anyway, take it to an animal doctor or a psychiatrist. If that does not solve the problem, take yourself to an animal doctor or a psychiatrist.

  Once the dog loses interest in you, slowly back away until it is out of sight. Then run like the wind! If the dog begins to chase you, stop immediately, especially if it is driving a car.

  Lesson 3: The Strange Dog Is Aggressive!

  If a dog tries to bite you, try to “feed” him your jacket, homework, bicycle, cat, or anything else that can serve as a barrier between you and the dog.

  Lesson 4: That Stupid Dog Bit You!

  Immediately wash the wound thoroughly with soap, then report the bite to your local animal control agency. Tell the animal official everything you know about the dog. If the dog is a stray, tell the official what the dog looked like and in which direction it left. If the dog was driving, try to get its license plate number.

  Watch Your Step! In New York City, there are 75 tons of dog poop piled up on the sidewalks every day!

  Other Animals

  Okay, so you don’t really want a dog, but you are considering getting a pet. Maybe you live in an apartment, so you’re worried about room. Think about how much interaction with the pet you want. For example, with an aquarium of fish, you won’t have much interaction. You can’t take the fish out and play with them (at least not if you’re smart). But that’s not a bad thing! I had an aquarium for years, and I loved watching the different species of fish swimming around, having conversations, and building cities.

  For boys who don’t want a big animal, maybe a “stinky aquarium-mammal” will work. These are “pocket pets” such as rats, gerbils, hamsters, mice, etc., that live in aquariums filled with cedar shavings in boys’ bedrooms. If you get one of these, remember to let it out of its habitat to play, but don’t let it be eaten by larger pets, or make a dramatic, mysterious escape!

  Polecats

  For people who like a lot of interaction with an indoor pet, a good choice is a cat. Not a kitty-cat, but a polecat. Also called ferrets, these fun-loving animals will amuse you to no end. But keep in mind that ferrets need a good couple of hours of play every day. They need lots of interaction. If you buy two ferrets at once, you can save yourself a little time because they can play with each other. (Oh, by the way, ferrets aren’t allowed in Hawaii or California. Sorry about that.)

  Ferrets are a kick in the pants, but be aware that they are full of mischief. They like to poke their nose into anything they can get it into. When your ferrets are out of their cage (it should be a big cage with lots of toys), you need to make sure your house has been ferret-proofed. This means put all food away, clear breakable items off of shelves and counters, and don’t leave any credit cards out!

  If you want a ferret, start with your local animal shelter or, if you have one, ferret shelter. Adult ferrets are usually already housebroken and aren’t quite as full of pep as youngsters.

  *Other names for Ferrets: polecats, carpet sharks, ferts, fuzzballs

  Interesting Information!

  Ferrets can be trained to use litter boxes for their dookie!

  Ferrets can be taken outside on leashes!

  Cats can tolerate ferrets, but always keep an eye on any dog

  Cat’s can tolerate ferrets, but always keep an on any dog near a polecat!

  A higher number of humans than ferrets get rabies!

  Ferrets in History

  Genghis Khan (1167–1227) conquered the largest land empire in the history of the world. He loved ferrets. (Of course, he also shot his brother full of arrows for stealing a fish that he himself had caught, but never mind that.) And one of England’s greatest monarchs, Queen Elizabeth I, loved her ferrets so much that she had a picture of herself painted with her pets. Ferrets were often kept aboard sailing ships to keep the rat population down and were especially useful to the United States Navy. We even named one of our ships after them!

  Cats

  Even though some people say that cats are just walking meatloaf, maybe there are a few of you who think a cat is a good pet. Well, you’re right. Cats can take care of themselves better than most other pets. They’re pretty quiet and lovable, and they don’t need a lot of interaction either.

  So what’s the problem? I’ll tell you the problem: Cats are like girls. They don’t like to do what they’re told to do. You never know what they’re thinking. You never know why they do the things that they do. Heck, even they don’t know why they do the things they do! Some people call this “mysterious.” Puh-leeze. There’s nothing mysterious about hair balls!

  Cats aren’t very loyal, either. If a bad guy broke into your house and threatened you with a wet noodle, you know that your dog would bark like crazy at the intruder, and maybe even attack the wet noodle just to make sure you were safe! A cat would lick itself, yawn, and wander into another room. Here’s a good one: Try putting a leash on a cat sometime. Forget it! It’s no wonder that dogs were used as pets a good 6,000 years before cats were!

  But cats are good at being by themselves, and they are good for living in apartments or small homes. In addition, watching a cat play with catnip is pretty cool. So if you don’t mind being called a “cat dandy,” feel free to get yourself a kitty. Get one at your local animal shelter, or try to tame one of the wild ones in your neighborhood. And just remember that I warned you!

  *Presidential Animal-Lovers: President Dwight D. Eisenhower (1890–1969) was usually a nice guy, but he hated cats. He hated cats so much, he gave orders that any cat found on the White House grounds was to be shot. He wasn’t kidding around either.

  Special Feature: Cat’s Eyes

  The eyes of a cat are something special. When you look at them, you will see that the “iris” of the eye is a vertical slit or line, unlike the round iris of a human. The long vertical opening of their eye lets them see very well right in front of them. This is called an “elliptical pupil.” (Try saying that 10 times fast!) Cats are predators, so they look for movement right in front of them. If a cat is watching something that goes above or below its vision, it loses interest. Watch a cat sneak up on a bird; it will get closer and closer, but if the bird flies away, the cat often doesn’t even look up. To the cat, the bird just vanished into thin air!

  Amazing Animal Facts

  In Pennsylvania in 1924, a black Labrador named Pep was sentenced to life in prison. Pep had made the mistake of killing the cat of Governor Gifford Pinchot of Pennsylvania. The governor was the judge in the case, and there was no jury. Pep was sent to prison and even given an inmate number: C2559.

  The good news is that, like most dogs, Pep loved attention. Pep was allowed to wander about the prison, and he was loved by hundreds of inmates. Good dog! Pep lived in the penitentiary from 1924 until his natural death in 1930.

  Elephants are the only mammal that can’t jump.
This is because the elephant is the only mammal with four knees.

  Kangaroo Tales! The famous English explorer Captain James Cook (1728–1779) traveled to Australia. In 1770, his men saw a strange animal bounce past them. They asked a native Aborigine hunter what the animal was called. The man replied, “Kan-na-gu-ru.”

  “So the beast is called a kangaroo!” the Englishmen exclaimed. They wrote this down, and the name stuck. But what the English didn’t know was that Kan-na-gu-ru means “I do not understand you” in the language of the Aborigines!

  In South Africa, termites are often roasted and eaten by the handful, the way we eat pretzels or popcorn.

  Now That’s a Dog Lover! A warlord named Tokugawa Tsunayoshi ruled in Japan more than 300 years ago. Tokugawa was such a dog-lover, he passed laws that gave the death penalty for killing, injuring, or even ignoring a dog. (These were called the Laws of Compassion.) During his 30-year reign, up to 200,000 people were punished for these crimes. “Good dog! Very good dog!”

  Lions and tigers can mate and have cubs. The babies are called “ligers” when the father is a lion, and “tigons” or “tiglons” when the father is a tiger. But do you know what you get when you cross an aardvark with a platypus? Trust me, you don’t want to know.

  Beetles are popular pets in Japan. Giant stag beetles have sold for as much as $30,000 there. One salesperson of beetles said, “They have different personalities. When I hold my beetle, I have real affection for it.”

  Why Are You Carrying Around a Stuffed Bunny? A tribe of people called the Celts who lived in Europe thought that rabbits had magical powers. One reason for this is because rabbit babies are born with their eyes open, unlike most other animals. For Celts, to have any piece of a dead rabbit (or the whole thing) was good luck. (It was good luck for the human, not the rabbit!) Over time, the piece that ended up on people’s key chains was the foot.

  Scientists have determined that human babies are usually less intelligent than chimpanzee babies.

  Follow-Up Activity

  You may not have known this, but animals can talk. They are reluctant to do so in front of humans, however. Secretly watch your dog or ferret. (Remember to be patient, as this may take hours, or even days.) Eventually the animal will mutter something, possibly a complaint about its food. When it does, jump out and say “Ah-ha!” Once caught, the beast will be happy to have a conversation with you, probably about sports.

  Dumb Directions on Products!

  Companies want us to be so careful with their products that their warning labels may take safety a little too far. Is it the company that is incredibly stupid or do they think we are the dopes? All the warnings below are taken from real products!

  “Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish.” On a bottle of shampoo for dogs.

  “Keep away from children.” On a bottle of baby lotion.

  “Do not use while sleeping.” On a hair dryer.

  “Never use while sleeping.” On a propane blowtorch.

  “Do not take if allergic to aspirin.” On a bottle of aspirin.

  “Do not use in shower.” On a hair dryer.

  “This broom does not actually fly.” On Harry Potter toy broom.

  “Do not light in face. Do not expose to flame.” On a lighter.

  “Some assembly required.” On a 500-piece jigsaw puzzle.

  “Choking hazard: This toy is a small ball.” On the label for a rubber ball.

  “May be harmful if swallowed.” On a shipment of hammers.

  “Instructions: Put on food.” On a bottle of ketchup.

  “Do not attempt to stop the blade with your hand.” In the manual for a chainsaw.

  “These ear plugs are nontoxic, but may interfere with breathing if caught in windpipe.” On a pack of earplugs.

  “Warning: May contain nuts.” On a package of peanuts.

  “Warning: May cause drowsiness.” On a bottle of sleeping pills.

  “Do not put in mouth.” On a box of bottle rockets.

  “Remove plastic before eating.” On the wrapper of a fruit snack.

  “Do not drive cars in ocean.” In small print at the bottom of the screen during a car commercial that shows a car in the ocean.

  “Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover.” On a pair of shin guards.

  “This product not intended for use as a dental drill.” On an electric drill.

  “Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth.” On a rock gardening kit.

  “This product may cause harm if eaten.” On an aluminum chair.

  “You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.” On a bag of corn chips.

  “Directions: Use like regular soap.” On a bar of soap.

  “Serving suggestion: Defrost.” On a frozen dinner box.

  “Product will be hot after heating.” On a bread pudding package.

  “Do not turn upside down.” On the bottom of a dessert package.

  “Do not iron clothes on body.” On packaging for an iron.

  “Do not drive car after taking cough medicine.” On a children’s cough medicine jar.

  “For indoor or outdoor use only.” On a string of Christmas lights.

  “Remember: Objects in the mirror are actually behind you.” On a bicyclist’s helmet-mounted rearview mirror.

  “This camera works only when there is film inside.” On a camera.

  “When operating the selector dial near your eye, take care not to put your finger in your eye accidentally.” On another camera.

  “Kills all kinds of insects! Warning: This spray is harmful to bees.” On a can of insect spray.

  “Do not use when temperature exceeds 140 degrees Fahrenheit.” On a wheelbarrow.

  “Caution: Risk of fire.” On an artificial fireplace log.

  “Contents may catch fire.” On a book of matches.

  “Warning: Cape does not enable user to fly.” On a Batman costume.

  “Do not use as an ice cream topping.” On a bottle of hair coloring.

  Follow-Up Activity

  Create your own product. Give it directions in another language, like Swahili or Martian. Chuckle as your customers use it incorrectly.

  Emergencies!

  Emergency! Emergency! An emergency is what we call a life-threatening situation. It is a big deal. What you are supposed to do in an emergency is stay calm and think clearly. But what your body and brain want to do in an emergency is scream, jump up and down, and run away.

  Everybody knows that if you have an emergency (and only if you have an emergency) you should call 911. What you may not know is that the very first 911 call ever made was by an Alabama senator named Rankin Fite. He called 911, said hi, and then had coffee and doughnuts.

  But ever since then, 911 is only supposed to be called for a real problem. Unfortunately, some people don’t know what a real emergency is. They will call 911 about “emergencies” at the drop of a hat. For example, look at these real calls that have been made to 911:

  A woman living in Los Alamitos, California, called 911 to complain that a person was making “bird-type noises” outside of her house. The police came and found the source of the emergency: a bird in a tree.

  A Los Angeles resident returned home to find his wife lying down on the couch. He asked her if she was unconscious. She said, “Yes.” He called 911. (He should have asked if she was conscious. Then if she said “No,” he still could have called 911!)

  But emergencies can happen in unlikely places. Last year, there were about 7,000 emergency room visits for injuries involving either pillows or indoor houseplants. (You know, pillows are dangerous because they are so soft and fluffy, and...hey, wait a minute!) In order to report medical emergencies so that a doctor anywhere in the world can understand what is wrong, doctors use a system called the International Classification of Diseases (ICD). The ICD is very specific. Just look at these codes from an edition of the ICD:

  E842: Victim was injured in a glider fire.
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  E844: Victim was sucked into a jet aircraft engine.

  E906.8: Victim was pecked by a bird.

  E912: Victim has a bean or marble stuck in their nose.

  E915: Victim has a hair ball.

  E966: Victim was beheaded by a guillotine.

  The sad fact is that emergencies do happen, and someday, one may happen to you. What should you do when emergency strikes? Read on.

  Here is the key to dealing with any emergency:

  Step 1: Think!

  Step 2: Do something (or nothing) based on your thinking!

  Here is how you should NOT deal with an emergency:

  Step 1: Do something without thinking first!

  Step 2: Think what you did was stupid.

  General Tip

  Call 911 as soon as possible in any real emergency. Do this before beginning any other emergency steps. The emergency operator will need to know who you are, what happened, and where you are. Make sure to make a note of what your closest street is before calling 911, especially if you are using a cell phone. This will help the authorities locate you.

  *“Calling Dr. Nurse! Calling Dr. Nurse!” At last count, there were three doctors in the United States with the last name “Nurse.” And yes, there is always at least one Dr. Frankenstein out there practicing medicine!

  Household Emergencies