The Big Book of Girl Stuff Read online

  The Big Book of Girl Stuff

  Bart King

  Illustrations by Jennifer Kalis

  The Big Book of Girl Stuff

  Digital Edition v1.0

  Text © 2010 Bart King

  Illustrations © 2010 Jennifer Kalis

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced by any means whatsoever without written permission from the publisher, except brief portions quoted for purpose of review.

  This book makes mention of some activities that could theoretically carry an element of risk. Readers naturally assume all legal responsibility for their actions.

  We have relied on our own experiences as well as many different sources for this book and we have done our best to fact-check and to give credit where it is due. In the event that any material is incorrect or has been used without proper permission, please contact us care of the publisher so that it can be properly amended.

  Gibbs Smith, Publisher

  PO Box 667

  Layton, UT 84041

  Orders: 1.800.835.4993

  www.gibbs-smith.com

  Library of Congress Catalog-in-Publishing Data

  ISBN-13: 978-1-58685-819-3

  ISBN 10: 1-58685-819-X

  1. Teenage girls—Life skills guides—Juvenile literature. 2. Teenage girls—Conduct of life—Juvenile literature. I. Title.

  HQ798.K515 2006

  646.700835'2—dc22

  2006004975

  For Lynn, the best girl of all

  The Big Book of Girl Stuff

  Table of Contents

  Acknowledgments

  Introduction

  Babysitting

  Girl Power

  Boys

  Friends, Cliques, Secrets, and Gossip

  Fun Stuff to Do

  Holidays

  Sports and Games

  Dance and Cheerleading

  Lies, Mean Girls, and Jerks

  Ick

  Nicknames, Handwriting, Words, and Doodles

  Dolls and Stuffed Animals

  Etiquette and Manners

  Family

  Beauty

  Sleepovers and Slumber Parties

  Hair

  Humor

  Fashion

  Food and Dieting

  The Mind, Emotions, and Dreams

  Practical Jokes

  Girl Secrets

  Girl Emergencies

  Pets and Animals

  Shopping and Advertising

  Wise Words from Wise Women

  Bibliography

  Acknowledgments

  “Silent gratitude isn’t much use to anyone.”

  —Gladys Browyn Stern

  After The Big Book of Boy Stuff came out, that book’s author was ill-advisedly allowed to begin work on this companion volume. Although both gender handicapped and rather dim, Bart King made an atypically astute move: He begged his five sisters for help. Being thoughtful and loving sisters (who don’t like watching a grown man weep), they acquiesced. The King sisters are

  Gretchen (a.k.a. Fotch): Human resources manager and people person.

  Kathleen (a.k.a. Weenie): Middle-school teacher and fairy godmother.

  Melinda (a.k.a. Boom): Lieutenant-colonel and will-o’-the-wisp.

  Sarah (a.k.a. Eah): Registered nurse and shrinking violet.

  Mary (a.k.a. El Twerpo): Park ranger and resident Type-A personality.

  These “young” women provided this project with the important touches it needed, like an enlightened outlook, a feminine perspective, and dreadfully bad jokes. In fact, their contributions went so swimmingly, the King sisters-in-law were tapped next for their expertise. They are Pat King (teacher!), Cindy King (teacher!), and Lori King (banker?).

  The book’s think tank was then expanded to dozens of girls and young women, from middle school through college, who had suffered through a King classroom in their recent past. We are so grateful to them for finding time to offer their collaboration and suggestions for this book.

  The core group of the Girl Stuff Brain Trust: Mariam Kanso, Allyson Scharpf, Miranda Schwabauer, Alex Fus, Rachael Mejia, Allison Moore, Megan McKittrick, Kylie Nomi, Kim Fouse, Sarah Wilson, Amanda Lapato, Rebecca Pankow, Sophie Moshofsky, Jessica Hooper, Kelcey Van Orman, Amy Schick, Kristina Chou, Shannon Twomey, Paige and Greta Lundy, and Rachel Hahn.

  Many thanks also to these Esteemed Student Contributors: Raluca Moldovan, Danielle Towne, Tay Fravel, Anna Reilly, Cassandra Phelps, Sydney Rausch, Katie MacCaskill, Anna Miller, Shannon Brophy, Sahara Scott, Katelyn Wright, Linda Job, Layla Ingwerson, Gretchen Gehlbach, Seher Siddique, Sarah Alisawa, Kristina Trindle, Jenna Grabarek, Karissa Bargmann, Natalie Kisby, Lauren Middleton, and Meredith Kelley (who was WAY more helpful than Molly!).

  And a Special Shout-Out to: Janet King, Virginia Wassink, Carlye Krohn, Kathryn Fitch, Amy vanderSommen, Brody vanderSommen, Shannon Brophy, Bob Kevoian, Tom Griswold, Kristi Lee, Chick McGee, Dean Metcalf, Will Pfaffenberger, Kim Schwabauer, Branden McClain, Lauren Mead, Bethany Withycombe, Brittany Lindeman, Kelsi Harris, Hailey Larson, Claire Weaver, Annie Weaver, Kenzie Smith, Betsy Mepham, Laura Erkeneff, Marilyn Erkeneff, Daniel Fredgant, Ana Dupuis, Tyler Kelly, Genevieve Smith, Graham Harker, Georgia Harker, Lindsey Zehner, Lauren Zehner, Patty Wassink, Lee Wassink, Chan Lundy, Deb Hartman, Tammi Vincik, Karen Kroner, Ron Martin, Kathy Logan, Carolyn Wood, Peggy Brandt, Anne Stevenson, Lynn Schukart, Nadine Chauncey, Rick Kristoff, Douglas Bayern, Janice Johnson, JoAnn Thomas, Madeleine Levin, Beth Levin, Linda Hall, Patti Larson, Tona Hattery, Leslie Redman, Debbie DuMez, Karen Hughes, Robin Squire, Debbie Groves, Marsha Goldwasser, Karen Youngs, Lisa Sacconaghi, Kristin Heintz, Kim Woodberry, Lisa Senter, Luke Twomey, Mike King, Lainie King, Greg Lauzon, Rochelle Muller, Pam Erlandson, Kira Porton, Christine Foye Katie King, and M. Gleason.

  Also, our sincere thanks to the Multnomah County Library staff, especially Tama Filipas, Peter Ford, Deborah Gitlitz, Marci Davis, and Alison Kastner.

  Much gratitude to Suzanne Taylor for coming up with this idea. Special credit to Jennifer Grillone, Alison Einerson, Christopher Robbins, Dawn DeVries Sokol, and

  Shanna Knowlton for their hard work on this project.

  So through the kindness of girls and women, this book has evolved from a bad beginning into the resplendent mess that you are about to take a peek at. Let the peeking begin!

  Introduction

  Girl Introduction

  Hello! Take your time with this book. It may be the best book you’ll ever read. (Of course, the odds against that are pretty high, but you never know!)

  We hope you enjoy it. Now, let’s get started!

  Adult Introduction

  “First things first, second things never.”

  —Shirley Conran

  The collaborators on this book include dozens of girls, young women, teachers, and mothers. It’s our hope that a preteen, ’tween, or teen girl can find some good laughs, empowerment, and maybe even inspiration in the following pages.

  We’ve kept a light tone throughout most of the book, partly because that’s more fun but also because there is already plenty of high drama in the literature for and about girls in this age group. Although the voyage from girlhood to the teen years can be a tough one, we strongly believe that being a girl today is exciting and enjoyable. And while this book includes many nontraditional female activities, it also features (for lack of a better term) plenty of classic “girl stuff.” Why did we do this? Because girls asked us to!

  Although ostensibly written for eight- to fourteen-year-old girls, The Big Book of Girl Stuff also may appeal to immature adults. And, as a special bonus, we have included a few deliberate and
outrageous “mistakes” in this book to keep you, the adult, vigilant in your reading. If you can find them, write to us (care of the publisher), and you may be eligible for an Amazing Reward. [1]

  Finally, there are several gratuitous references to loofahs in this book. We just think it’s a funny word.

  * * *

  [1] We assume that you will find the satisfaction in being a perfectionist to be Amazingly Rewarding.

  Babysitting

  Tips and Tricks

  “We spend the first 12 months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next 12 months telling them to sit down and be quiet.”

  —Phyllis Diller

  Babysitting is fantastic! You get paid to hang out with younger kids, and if you do a good job, you’ll be their hero. You get paid to be some kid’s hero?! This is an especially good job for a girl. Although boys can also babysit, we can all agree that girls make better role models. X Plus, almost every culture in the world trusts girl babysitters more than boy babysitters. That’s because girls are responsible (of course!), and they know the secrets of being a good babysitter. These secrets have been recorded in The Ancient Book of Babysitting Wisdom [2] as follows:

  Babysitting Wisdom

  You really should take a babysitting or first-aid class before you accept responsibility for other people’s kids. (The Red Cross or your local parks department probably offers these in your area.) Besides, you get a cool-looking “official” card!

  Do not call the children you babysit any of the following names: orcs, rug rats, house-apes, hobgoblins, ankle-biters, munchkins, droolers, li’l monsters, or smurfs.

  Pay attention to the kids you’re babysitting and play with them. (Stay off the phone!)

  Even if the parents have weird rules, like “Junior should wear his safety helmet and body armor if he goes outside,” it’s best to follow them. This keeps the kids in their routine. Once you break one rule, they’ll want to break all the other ones.

  Clean up any messes that get made. (Better yet, have the kids clean up!) And if you really want to impress the parents, straighten up messes that were there before you arrived.

  Don’t invite any friends (especially boys) over! That is a big no-no.

  When the parents come home, tell them some funny stories about what the kids did while they were gone. Parents love to hear stuff like this.

  Experienced babysitters know that all children are legally required to say, “But my mom always lets me do [fill in the blank] when she’s here.” This is often a lie. What the child is asking to do might be really kooky, like feeding a goldfish to his little sister or washing his hands with soap and water.

  Don’t let yourself be tricked! Instead, use this amazing comeback. This comeback is so clever, no child has ever come up with a response to it.

  "But your mom isn't here right now, is she?"

  Ta-dah! Problem solved.

  Money: The Hardest Question

  So you’ve made a “babysitting connection.” Yes! You have a job! Then comes the hard part. The parents ask how much money you charge to babysit. Uh-oh! How much money should you charge for babysitting?

  You can always babysit for free, but don’t get into the habit of it, because people will take advantage of your good nature. It seems to us that you should at least get paid your state’s minimum wage. In most states, this is over $5 an hour. But six states don’t even have minimum wages. Dang it!

  A nice woman named Debbie checked with parents in six different states for us, and she found that babysitters may earn anywhere from $4 to $15 an hour, with an average of about $7.75. So it’s all relative. If you are a beginning babysitter and you’re only taking care of one child, your pay shouldn’t be the same as an in-demand, Red Cross–certified babysitter who’s in charge of six kids. A girl in that position might be making $18 an hour. (And she’s worth a lot more than that!)

  You can always ask your friends what they charge and use that for a comparison. If you’re still really not sure, ask the parents what they think is fair. Try to be honest if it’s not what you had in mind.

  A mother’s helper is a girl who helps take care of children while the mother is actually there. Because this isn’t as much responsibility as babysitting, she’s usually paid from 60 to 75 percent of what a babysitter makes.

  Okay, to earn that money, you’ll end up having to do this sooner or later, so let’s get to the ugly truth of:

  Changing Diapers

  If baby went poopy, remember to breathe through your mouth.

  You will need: A strong stomach, a baby, a dirty diaper, a clean diaper,

  Babysitting a warm wet washcloth or wipes, and a changing area covered with a towel. Optional: A toy (to distract the baby with), diaper rash ointment, an assistant.

  First of all, when changing a boy’s diapers, know that the boy may decide to pee as soon as you get his diapers off, and the pee will go UP . . . toward you! We suggest putting a clean diaper over his private parts as soon as you get his diaper off. (That, or just steer clear of boy babies.)

  It’s a good idea to get your supplies ready before laying the baby down for a change. That’s because as soon as you try to change a baby’s diapers, she will usually fight against it. We don’t know if the smell of their own poop makes them mad or if they think the diapers you picked out for them are ugly and unfashionable, but babies never make this process easy.

  Make sure the baby can’t escape your changing area. You don’t want to have to explain to the parents why their new couch got poopified.

  After getting your supplies ready and washing your hands, put the baby on her back. Open up the diaper. Breathe through your mouth and sing to the baby as you remove the toxic waste. Give her a toy to distract her.

  With one hand, hold the baby’s ankles gently together and lift up. With the other hand, pull out the dirty diaper. Once the dirty diaper is off, move it off to the side (and don’t step in it later!).

  Take your baby wipes and start wiping off little baby’s hindquarters. Wipe from back to front with boys, and from front to back with girls. Then stick the dirty wipes into the poopy diaper and wrap the whole mess up tightly. (This is what adults call hazardous material.)

  Whew! Now baby’s clean. As far as getting a clean diaper on, just make sure the front is laid down on the towel closest to you. Raise the baby’s legs like before, slide the clean diaper under her, rest her down on the diaper, and lift it up between her legs. Fasten the diaper tightly, and you’re done.

  If the baby’s wearing cloth diapers, make sure to get them on snug and pull those little plastic pants over them. You don’t want anything sneaking out of the diapers and going down Junior’s leg!

  The baby will show her appreciation for your hard work by going poop right away. This is a baby’s way of saying, “I recognize your talent. Another demonstration, please!”

  Do Babies Need Diapers?

  In China, India, and 73 other countries, most kids are diaper-free. They either go bottomless or have “split-tail” pants. Their parents are good at spotting when the little one has to go and then just holds the baby over a toilet or other good spot. No more diaper rash or yucky stuff sticking to the kid’s bottom! And no more landfills of baby diapers—those are really gross and a huge source of pollution.

  Tricks

  A good trick is to have little prizes or treats with you when you babysit. Depending on the age of the kids, these can come in pretty handy. For example, if you had some M&Ms, Lifesavers, or Tic Tacs, you could put them in a container or small bag and call them “Proton Pills.” If the kids do something good, like pick up their toys or foil a bank robbery, give them a Proton Pill! (Naturally, these give them super-powers.) Or you can use them as “Sweet Dream” candies for when it’s bedtime (but before they brush their teeth!) But first be sure it’s okay with their parents to give them a little candy.

  Silly tricks like these are priceless in babysitting. Let’s say the kids don’t want to go to
bed. You could threaten them with a wet noodle until they flee in terror, but why not make it a game? Turn going to bed into a bus ride. You’re the school bus driver, and you pull up in the bus. All aboard! The kids need to line up behind you as the passengers. Then you start driving (with the kids following behind you). Stop anywhere you need to for them to get ready for bed. Once they’re in their pajamas and have brushed their teeth, drive them right to their bed and tuck them in.

  Cool Word! pajamafy (pronounced pa-jam-uh-fie): The act of getting the kids into their pajamas. It can make going to bed a fun adventure.

  Babysitter: Who wants to be pajamafied?

  Little Timmy: I do! It’s pajamafication time!

  But no matter how skilled a babysitter you are, the time will come when you can’t keep the kids from screaming and running around. Since parents don’t want their children to disappear or be hauled away in an ambulance before they return (picky, picky, picky!) here’s some important safety advice.

  DO: Let the baby sit in your lap.

  DON’T: Sit on the baby.