Bart’s King-Sized Book of Fun Read online

  Bart’s King-Sized Book of Fun

  Bart King

  Illustrations by Chris Sabatino

  Bart’s King-Sized Book of Fun

  Digital Edition v1.0

  Text © 2010 Bart King

  Illustrations © Chris Sabatino

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced by any means whatsoever without written permission from the publisher, except brief portions quoted for purpose of review.

  The author has relied on his own experience as well as many different sources for this book, and has done his best to check facts and to give credit where it is due. In the event that any material is incorrect (not fun) or has been used without proper permission (REALLY not fun), please contact the author care of the publisher so that it can be properly amended.

  Gibbs Smith, Publisher

  PO Box 667

  Layton, UT 84041

  Orders: 1.800.835.4993

  www.gibbs-smith.com

  ISBN: 978-1-4236-1640-5

  To my sisters: Gretchen, Kathleen, Melinda, Sarah, and Mary. Look, you’re all equally fun, okay? (It’s not a contest!)

  Acknowledgments

  You know what would be really fun? Taking all the credit for this book myself! Unfortunately, my wife, Lynn, says I can’t. So I’ll thank her first, for making sure that I behave in a way that is fun AND fair!

  I would also like to thank Brody vanderSommen, Aaron Judd, Lee Wassink, Dave and Caleb Sohigian, Christie Nicholson, Charlene Marshall, Troy Taylor, Larry Smith, Sean Mackin, Windell H. Oskay, Virginia Wassink, Benjamin Golliver, Sheila King, Tom Booth, Carol Guttzeit, Kathy Logan, Austin Sharp, Parker Stevenson, Adam Cadien, Karen Kroner Amstutz, Mariam Kanso, Paul Spinrad, all the Grows, Mary King, Mr. Cuddles, Jon Cadien, Janice Johnson, Jennifer King, Jared Smith, and Suzanne Taylor.

  The six-word memoirs in the Wild Words chapter come from SMITH Teens (smithteens.com), which is a project of the storytelling community SMITH Magazine.

  Oh, and a VERY special thank-you to anybody who stopped by www.bartking.net to contribute a good joke...or a bad one!

  Bart’s King-Sized Book of Fun

  Table of Contents

  Introduction

  Awesome Activities

  Mischievous Fun

  Incredible Inventions & Creative Costumes

  Wild Words

  Photo Magic

  Deep Thoughts

  Laughter Rules

  Hilarious Holidays

  Fun with Food

  Amazing Mazes

  Playing Games

  Pirate Attack!

  Unexpected Fun

  The Marvels of Exploration

  Fun: An Endangered Species?

  Select Bibliography

  Introduction

  You have the right to have fun.

  You do not have to remain silent while you have fun. That would be sort of weird. Is it possible to have fun that way? I guess! Maybe if you read this book while stifling yourself, you could do it.

  You have the right to talk to a parent before having fun, but this can sometimes reduce the amount of fun you have. If you do not wish to consult your parent, you can borrow mine for a moment. They will tell you to be careful and to go ahead and have fun.

  Knowing and understanding your rights as I have explained them to you, are you now ready to have fun?

  If your answer is yes, that’s great. I’ve now accomplished a dream I’ve had since breakfast this morning!

  Fun F.A.Q.s!

  Sure, fun is a lot of fun, but how do you find it? In your quest for fun, it’s possible that you might look for it in some of the wrong places. Heck, you might even face an un-fun situation! (See p. 295.)

  Question: Is reading fun? Sometimes (like with a book like this) I wonder.

  Answer: Why, you little scamp—

  Whew! Okay, I’m calming down with some deep breaths. To explain whether reading is actually fun, I have to tell you a little story:

  In 1900, a man named Joshua Slocum published a book called Sailing Alone Around the World. This true story described Slocum’s three-year journey as he went sailing alone around the world. (You saw that coming, right?) Adults loved the adventure story, and so they made kids read it, too. In fact, a writer named Arthur Ransome thought that any young readers who didn’t like the book “ought to be drowned at once.”

  So looking at it that way, reading is fun. Very fun, thank you.

  Question: I’ve had a lot of fun with my stuffed animals over the years. But now that I’m 12, maybe I’m a little old for them. What do you think?

  Answer: This is a good question. Many of us feel we may have outgrown the things that once gave us so much fun when we were younger. Why do we feel this way? Are we afraid of being teased? I’m not sure.

  But I can tell you that you are never too old to have a blankie or a stuffed dog, duck, or donkey. Isn’t that right, Mr. Cuddles? You’re a good widdle bear, aren’t you? Yessums, I’ve had you for years and years, and you’re the best widdle bear there is— [Editor’s Note: Let me interrupt this sad little speech to tell you that stuffed animals can be professionally dry-cleaned.]

  Question: I’d like to travel in time. Can I do it?

  Answer: Sadly, no. But amazingly, it WAS once possible. A girl went back in time and saw her father in high school. He was wearing bell-bottom jeans and a gold chain. And his hair was permed!

  This was so traumatic for the girl, time travel had to be outlawed.[1]

  Question: Do people who smile a lot have more fun than others?

  Answer: Yes. And not only do smiley people have more fun, but they may also be easier to be around than others! Here’s what I mean: Researchers did a study of yearbook photos and found that the people who smiled in their pictures were more likely to be happily married later in life. (People who actually frowned in their photos were five times more likely to get a divorce than smiling people!)

  Wow! Next, the researchers found there was a relationship between a person smiling in ANY photo (even ones taken of people when they were 10) and being happily married later in life!

  Lesson: Have fun, say “cheese,” and smile, smile, smile!

  Question: Thank you for the *cough* useful tips. Anything else I need to know about fun?

  Answer: Just this: Fun comes from creativity and enthusiasm. So if you think something is going to be fun, it probably will be!

  But the bad news is that if you think something is going to STINK, it probably will. It’s lucky for us that what makes life fun is your attitude...and you can always change your attitude![2]

  Example: You’re in a restaurant and you’re starving. It’s going to be a while before your food arrives. So you COULD sit there thinking about how you’re ready to start chewing on that kid at the next table. Or you could let something fun distract you while you wait!

  So you grab everyone’s silverware and make a tic-tac-toe design on the table. Then you challenge your dad to a match using sugar packets and little jelly containers for the Xs and Os. By the time your food gets to the table, you’ll have won enough jelly containers to be rich for life! (Okay, maybe not. But at least the time will pass more quickly!)

  Question: Speaking of restaurants, is there a food that smells more “fun” than any other?

  Answer: Good question! Nothing cheers me up like coming into the office first thing every morning and smelling the fried bologna that my employees cook up for me.

  * * *

  [1] But there is one loophole. If you ever change phone numbers, keep your old one. Wait one year, and then call it. When someone picks up, it will be the old you from yesteryear talking to the new you from right now!

  [2] You can also change y
our socks. (I’m just saying.)

  Awesome Activities

  Dang, did you see that? Just now, right outside the window? That was the world going by! Don’t ask me how something as big as the world can waltz around back and forth outside your window, but it’s doing it right now.

  You might be tempted to go check it out, but here’s an even better idea. Just keep reading this cool chapter on activities. And if one of them sounds like fun, get up (gasp!) and try it.

  Or you could just take a nap. (Because that’s an activity, too!)

  When you wake up, you might even have a new idea for your own activity. That’s what happened to Walter Lines. In 1897, the fifteen-year-old woke up and then came up with a cool idea for a wheeled gizmo he could zoom around on. Walter told his father about the idea, but his dad was not impressed.

  Walter had to wait a few years until he had his own toy factory. Its best-selling item was the invention he’d come up with as a boy: the scooter!

  Using Walter as my inspiration, I have also invented a few things, including metal-detecting shoes, the umbrella tie, and the dog vacuum. But perhaps the finest invention I’ve ever seen is a combination of two things: music and video!

  Bizarre Music Video

  For this activity, you need access to a friend and a baby.[3] Got ’em? Okay, now start quizzing that baby on where it keeps its clothes. Because you need one of the baby’s onesies! (Or at least one of its shirts.)

  Next, you need a video camera. It can be on a cell phone or something more complicated ...like a camera on a really nice cell phone. While you’re taking care of this, think about this question: What song do you like singing along to the most?

  Now get some nontoxic colored markers and head to the bathroom. You need to draw a face on your chin! To do this, imagine that the bottom of your chin is the top of your head. So you need eyes and a nose beneath your lower lip! (Extra credit for elements like hair and a moustache or beard.)

  Once you have your upside-down chin face the way you want it, it’s almost show time! Get your song cued up. Put on a turtleneck. Lie down on the ground. Have your camera operator get ready to film you upside down (so your chin’s at the top of the frame). Oh, and that onesie? Pull it over your head and down to your upper lip! (The arms should be around your ears.)

  And...action! Start the song, begin filming, and sing along or lip synch to the tune. When you’re done, show the music video to the baby. I guarantee he’ll either cry or be impressed!

  Movie Fun!

  If you’re watching a movie at home, the first thing to come up on the screen will be the FBI Anti-Piracy warning. When this appears, say in a disappointed way, “Oh, I’ve seen this one already!” (This also works in theaters, but you have to say it when the Universal Studios or MGM icon comes up.)

  Body Outlines

  The police don’t actually put chalk outlines around the bodies of murder victims anymore, but we all know what it means if we see one. That’s why you should surprise your neighbors by putting a chalk body outline on the sidewalk or road in front of where you live!

  If you do this anytime in October, people will assume it’s for Halloween. So don’t do it in October! If you do it in November, you can make a chalk body outline of a turkey. December? Santa Claus! Easter? A bunny! Don’t forget to draw the floppy ears!

  Fun Tip: Have a ton of leftover Valentine’s heart candies? They make pretty good sidewalk chalk!

  Anti-Monkey Butt Powder?

  Hey, did you know there’s a product called Anti-Monkey Butt Powder? This information is so wonderful, I am just sitting here in amazement. Let’s say it again: Anti-Monkey Butt Powder. Wow! It’s intended to relieve the skin irritation that comes from too much sweating or chafing. (You know, like when you’re on your tricycle seat for hours on a hot day?)

  I haven’t used Anti-Monkey Butt Powder before, but I like saying it almost as much as I like saying things like “ridonkulous” and “polyurethane foam.” And since it’s supposed to be good for you, I suggest sprinkling a bit of Anti-Monkey Butt Powder on things just to make life interesting.

  At school: “Hey, I put some Anti-Monkey Butt Powder on your lunch bag.”

  While babysitting: “See how your sock monkey has a red butt? Let’s put some Anti-Monkey Butt Powder on it to see if it gets better.”

  Bubbles Variety Pack

  As a child, I had a terrible allergy to bubbles. If I saw another kid blowing bubbles, I would break out in a rash! To keep me safe, my parents often put me in a protective box. They also called me the “Anti-Bubble Boy,” which they found funny.

  But now I’ve outgrown that childish allergy, and I can play with bubbles all I want. So let me present you with these cool bubbly activities!

  Ping-Pong Bubbles

  For this, you need a flexible drinking straw, a pair of scissors, and a Ping-Pong ball. With a pair of scissors, make five short cuts on the drinking end of the straw. Open and bend out the cuts so that you can set the Ping-Pong ball in there. Now blow! If you maintain the proper airflow, you can make the ball hover over the straw perfectly!

  Gross Bubbles

  Hey, while I’m thinking about bubbles, here’s another activity! But I should tell you, it’s really gross. In fact, it involves putting baby shampoo in your mouth. They say it’s safe for a baby’s eyes, so it should be safe for you, right? First, you should put on a baby bib, or at least a T-shirt that you don’t like. Next, squirt some of the baby shampoo into your hand—but not too much! You don’t want it dripping all over the place!

  Bring your handful of shampoo up to your mouth. Now put it in! Yes, it tastes bad. But it’s not that bad. Keep the shampoo at the front of your mouth. You don’t want to swallow it! (It’s nontoxic, but still.) Open your mouth and blow gently outward. Bubbles! BIG bubbles!

  Challenge Fun!

  Have someone sit in a chair and cross her legs with the right leg on top. Then have her move the end of her right foot in a clockwise direction. Finally, ask her to draw a “6” in the air with her right hand. As she does this, her foot will reverse direction![4]

  Tiny Bubbles

  If you have a brand-new flyswatter around the house, try this activity: Pour some bubble fluid into a Frisbee. Now dip the flyswatter into the bubble solution and then wave it around. Lots of little bubbles will go flying!

  Bubble in a Bubble

  Get a drinking straw and a regular container of bubble fluid with a wand. Dip half of the straw into the bubble fluid. Then dip the wand and softly blow a bubble out of it. Now catch the bubble on the wand! With the bubble balanced on the wand, poke the wet end of the straw directly into the middle of the bubble. Blow softly into the end of the straw. Ta-dah!

  Giant Bubble Craziness

  Fill something big with bubble solution, like a kiddie pool or a gigantic dog dish. Now dip a hula hoop into it! With your fingers on the outside edges of the hula hoop, raise the hoop out of the water and move it through the air. If you’re careful, a huge bubble will appear!

  No hula hoop? Try running a piece of string through two drinking straws. Run the string long enough so that you can make a square with two straw sides and two string sides. Tie off the string. Then make the square by holding the straws and dip it into your bubble solution!

  When Blowing Things Up Wasn’t Fun!

  The first toy balloons came out in the early 1800s. But you had to make them yourself using a container of liquid rubber and a syringe. After filling the syringe with rubber, you pushed down its plunger and out came your balloon! But you couldn’t touch the balloon, as it had to dry first. (After all that work, you’d be mad if someone popped your balloon!)

  The Animals on the Hill

  This activity is fun to do with young people and those who like animals. Arrange two chairs so that one person can sit across from you. Ask the person to relax, and then gently reach out and hold the person’s left wrist with your left hand. Because you want the person to trust you, you should be very slow with your mo
vements!

  Say to the person, “See if you can guess what animal is climbing up your arm.” Then with your right hand, use your fingers to start crawling up his left arm.

  The person will probably say something like “a spider” or “a bug.”

  “Good!” you answer. “Now, what’s this?” Turn your right hand sideways so that the edge of your palm is on the person’s arm. Then slide your palm back and forth up the person’s arm.

  The person will probably guess “a snake.” Again, give him praise.

  Do one more where you take your right hand and make little jumps up the person’s right arm. (Any guess like a kangaroo, a rabbit, or a flea is fine.) The whole time, you’re being very positive and trustworthy.

  Finally, say, “Can you guess why all these animals are climbing up your arm?” As the person considers this question, make a fist and bang it all the way up his arm.