The Big Book of Superheroes Page 7

  Fantastic Deals! Do you know how the Fantastic Four are different from other superheroes? They run their own FF gift shop! In it, the heroes sell souvenirs with their names, faces, and logos.

  Pop Quiz

  Motto Matching!

  Iron Man’s motto is “I am Iron Man.” Duh! See if you can match these superheroes with their slightly less obvious mottos (see answers below[14]):

  1. Superman a. “Sworn to protect a world that hates and fears them.”

  2. The Human Torch b. “Imperius Rex!”

  3. Red Sonja c. “By the goddess!”

  4. Sub-Mariner d. “Flame on!”

  5. Wolverine e. “Whatever the battleground...whatever the foe...I shall never falter!”

  6. Storm f. “I’m the best in the world at what I do, Bub, and what I do ain’t very nice.”

  7. The Hangman g. “My bark is worse than my bite.”

  8. The X-Men h. “Beware criminals, you can not outrun your conscience...nor escape the gallows!”

  9. Tree Girl i. “He fights for truth, justice, and the American way.”

  Expressions of Dismay

  As a superhero, you’ll see many tragic scenes of destruction. This may be a city that a supervillain has totally destroyed (“Good grief!”) or perhaps it will be your sister’s messy room. (“Noooo!”)

  That’s when you must express the pain in your soul with a good expression of dismay. For example, Wonder Woman will cry out, “Suffering Sappho!” Thor might let loose with an “Odin’s beard!” The Sub-Mariner could exclaim, “Great pickled penguins!” And Robin’s been known to shout, “Holy Long John Silver!”

  Meh. You can do better than those. And I have a suggestion!

  The Best Expression of Dismay Ever

  In 1937, a giant airship named the Hindenburg caught fire. As the Hindenburg burned and fell to earth, a radio reporter broadcast his horror:

  “This is the worst of the worst catastrophes in the world...it’s a terrific crash, ladies and gentlemen. It’s smoke, and it’s flames....Oh, the humanity!”

  Since then, “Oh, the humanity!” has become famous. And strangely, it’s even taken on a funny meaning. “Oh, the humanity!” has been used many times in movies, television, and even text messages. Yet somehow it never gets old! For instance, a soldier in the comic book titled Doom uses it:

  “Even if I personally stop this alien invasion, what kind of planet will we be leaving to our children? And our children’s children....Oh, the humanity! My big gun is out of bullets!”

  As you can see, you should use this phrase as much as possible. Let’s say you’re at a birthday party. Every time a kid pops a balloon, shout, “Oh, the humanity!”

  And it’s also easy to make puns with this saying. (Remember, superheroes love puns.) For instance, if Aquaman got hit by a harpoon, you’d cry out, “Oh, the Aquamanity!”

  Pop Quiz

  Cancelled!

  This superhero team was introduced in the 1960s. But it was such a dud, their comic was soon cancelled. These total losers were...

  The X-Men

  Alpha Flight

  The Justice League of America

  (See answer below.[15])

  The Greatest Superhero Saying (Wasn’t Said by a Superhero)

  Superheroes have given lots of great speeches over the years. Yet the most famous words about being a superhero came from an old guy named Uncle Ben.

  And he was no superhero! Uncle Ben was Peter Parker’s uncle. And after learning that his nephew was Spider-Man, Uncle Ben said, “With great power there must also come—great responsibility.” (The 2002 Spider-Man movie shortened it to, “With great power comes great responsibility.”)

  And the cool thing about this saying is that you can put almost any words after one of the “greats” and it gets even better! For example: “With great power comes great underpants.” Or: “With great underpants comes great responsibility.” Hey, are you a funny superhero? Try “With great power comes great hilarity.”

  Superhero Quotes!

  Thor: Loki is beyond reason, but he’s of Asgard and he’s my brother.

  Black Widow: He killed eighty people in two days.

  Thor: He’s adopted.

  —From The Avengers

  Superheroes may fight for good, but that doesn’t stop them from saying goofy things—like these!

  “I couldn’t think of one clever way to stop this guy, so I just trusted to mindless violence.”—Robotman

  “Disco music—ruining my concentration!”—Alley-Kat-Abra

  “To think that a lost land of dinosaurs could exist in the Rockies is just astonishing!”—Wonder Woman

  “You wouldn’t happen to be the Home Ec teacher, would you?” —Spider-Man, speaking to the Green Goblin after the supervillain attacked his high school

  “The reason I was unable to detect his brainwaves is...his brains are missing!”—Moondragon

  “What? A fist coming through the wall! Sure hope that whatever is attached to it is friendly.”—Angel, of the X-Men

  “If a man chooses to do something evil...it becomes my sacred duty to bash him to a pulp.”—Crime Crusher

  “Tough, but that’s what happens to nasty villains who play with disintegrator rays.”—J’onn J’onzz

  “You don’t have to be human to want to get down and boogie.”—Automan

  “If I don’t get to get out and take a shower soon, I’m going to start screaming.” —Pepper Potts (wearing the “Iron Woman” suit Tony Stark made for her)

  “I’m not afraid to die, but I can’t be killed now, when the American people need me!”—the Black Marvel

  “My common sense is tingling.”—Deadpool

  “The only reward I seek is the eventual extinction of all crime and suffering.” —the Clown

  “Unhand those ears!”—Color Kid

  “The contra-magnetic field of my wonder belt will repel your blade! Plus, I can sock your ugly jaw—like this!”—the Human Meteor

  “I am normal. It’s the rest of the world that’s weird.” —Impulse

  * * *

  [13] Answers: 1. c; 2. f; 3. e; 4. b; 5. d; 6. a.

  [14] Answers: 1. i; 2. d; 3. e; 4. b; 5. f; 6. c; 7. h; 8. a; 9. g.

  [15] Answer: a.

  Rugrats—Your Most Dangerous Foe!

  Since you’re a superhero, adults will sometimes hire you to fight evil.

  But they’ll call it “babysitting.”

  What a challenge! Watching rugrats can be dangerous work, even for someone like you. And it gets especially crazy when those rugrats also have superpowers. I mean, Little Timmy may be able to breathe underwater—but he can’t even tie his shoes!

  In order to avoid disaster, you’re going to want to have some good superhero activities for Junior to do. And here are some now!

  Supertot Activity

  Who Wants to Fly?

  Supplies: Mattress or futon.

  Place the mattress (or futon) on the floor, and make sure there are no sharp, hard objects anywhere near it.

  Tell your supertot to take off his shoes.

  Lie down on the floor next to the mattress, with your toes touching it. Scoot in so that your knees are bent.

  Have the supertot put his hands on your knees and his feet in your hands.

  Make sure the little fellow is ready. When he is, give him some kind of a countdown. (I recommend “Up, up, and away!”)

  Launch the supertot onto the mattress. Remember, you have superstrength, so be careful not to throw him too far—or he’ll miss the mattress!

  Supertot Activity

  Going into Orbit

  Supplies: Sturdy bed.

  Go around the bed and make sure there aren’t any dangerous objects nearby.

  If yoga mats or foam pads are around, lay them down near the “landing area.” If not, just use some clothes or stuffed animals.

  Look up. Is the ceiling ten feet up or higher? (For comparison, ten feet is how high a basketball hoop is.)
<
br />   Do you weigh over one hundred pounds? If so, you’re just going to tell your supertot how to do this. But if you’re a lightweight, you can do the activity too.

  Have the supertot take off her shoes and get on the bed. She gets three jumps. She should bounce once in the middle of the bed, once closer to the edge, and finally right on the bed’s edge.

  For that last jump, the supertot should drop her butt down so that it really does land on the edge of the bed. At the same time, she pushes with her hands as she bounces up. This will give her better liftoff for going into orbit!

  Important: Give the supertot good sound effects as she does this.

  Handling Supertantrums

  When little kids have temper tantrums, it can be sort of funny. Look, Junior is shouting and throwing marshmallows!

  But when super-Junior is shouting and throwing minivans, it’s not funny anymore. That’s when a babysitter has to get tough! So your role model can be Granny Goodness. She was hired by the villain Darkseid to run his day-care center on Apokolips. And Granny Goodness only has two babysitting methods: brainwashing and torture.

  Hmm, but maybe that’s a little harsh. There must be other ways to prevent supertantrums. For one thing, try entertaining that little monster child. For example, impress your tot with your ability to walk down invisible steps!

  Just station yourself behind a couch or other waist-high barrier. Start at one end, and take little steps forward. Exaggerate the swing of your arms as you go. And with each step, crouch a little more until you’re waving goodbye.

  Sadly, once you’ve gone down those stairs, you’re trapped forever!

  Supertot Activity

  Superbreath!

  Supplies: Balloons.

  Here’s one surefire way to distract your child from spazzing out—bribery! Say, “If you’re good, I can teach you how to hold your breath for ten minutes.” That’ll get any supertot’s attention.

  Have the child breathe deeply, in and out, for thirty seconds.

  Hand her a balloon.

  Tell her to blow it up.

  When the balloon is full, tie it off for her.

  Hand the balloon back to the supertot. Now tell her to hold the balloon for ten minutes. (See, it’s full of air from her lungs, so it’s not like you actually lied.)

  Enjoy ten minutes of peace and quiet.

  To learn more about preventing temper tantrums, let’s study a superhero with a slight anger problem—the Incredible Hulk.

  His secret identity is a shy scientist who only weighs 128 pounds named Bruce Banner. But when Banner gets mad, he’s transformed into an eight-and-a-half-foot-tall green behemoth who screams, “Hulk smash!” What a big baby.

  If you can avoid situations that’d make Hulk “smash,” you also know how to prevent kiddy temper tantrums. And luckily, someone actually listed all the things that make Bruce Banner transform into the Hulk. These include:

  Having a bad dream. (“Mommy? Hulk smash!”)

  Dealing with a pesky operator in a phone booth. (“Hulk not have twenty-five cents!”)

  Having wet towels snapped at him. (“Owie!”)

  Being run through a car wash. (“Suds? Hulk smash!”)

  Kicking over a beehive and then being surprised the bees are angry. (“Sticky? Smash!”)

  Being stuck in rush-hour traffic. (“Hulk late for dentist appointment!”)

  Having his pants catch on fire. (“Liar! Liar! Hulk smash!”)

  Being pushed out of a plane at thirty thousand feet. (“Hulk not get pretzels yet!”)

  Getting locked in a cage with an angry gorilla. (“Hulk not get banana yet!”)

  Being thrown into a cactus bed. (“Ouch! Ooh! Aah! Hulk in pain!”)

  Monstrous Fact: The idea for the Hulk came from Frankenstein. (That’s right, a monster!) So the first version of the Hulk even looked like Frankenstein. Also, unlike other superheroes, the Hulk didn’t try to fight crime. In fact, people sort of annoyed him.

  The Incredible Sulk

  Hey, were you successful at stopping any temper tantrums? If so, be sure to reward your supertot. Maybe you and the little sprog can work on this art project together!

  Supertot Activity

  Superpowered Sidewalk!

  Supplies: Sunlight, sidewalk chalk, sidewalk, digital camera, supertot.

  Take your supplies outside and stand so the sidewalk stretches to either side of you.

  Working together, use the chalk to draw a big, simple city scene. Be sure to sketch in tall buildings, trees, and maybe even a cloud or two.

  Leave an open section of air in the center of your mural. There you’re going to draw a big cape flowing in the wind. Don’t worry, we’ll attach a superhero to it in just a moment.

  When you’re done, the scene you’ve drawn should take you four or five strides to get from one side to another. Now have your supertot lie down on his side on the sidewalk next to where you’ve drawn the cape. The idea is that, from above, it looks like he’s wearing the cape.

  Have the supertot get in his best “flying pose,” with hands stretched out in front of him and a brave expression.

  Once everything’s perfect, stand above him with the camera and take a picture! (Oh, and if you’re too short, you may have to set up a chair to get the proper “flying” shot.)

  Your Greatest Challenge!

  Here’s the worst problem you might face. And it’s so bad, it’s enough to make Wolverine weep.

  Let’s say that you notice Junior is a little bit stinky. Okay, he’s a lot bit stinky. That can mean only one thing: he needs his diapers changed, and pronto!

  But be careful—superpowered babies are known for their radioactive poop. So before you open the gates of stinkiness, you need to be properly protected. For starters, I suggest a “hazmat” suit. (“Hazmat” is short for hazardous materials.) Then get a pair of tongs so that you can safely remove the soiled diaper from the child. But beware—these radioactive substances pose harsh dangers.

  You, gazing in terror at the baby’s toxic waste: Never have I met a more deadly villain!

  Speaking of Emissions: There’s actually a superhero named Hazmat. Since she gives off deadly radiation, Hazmat wears a hazmat suit to protect others.

  The Lamest—and Most Underrated—Superpowers!

  Every person looks at superpowers in their own way. For example, here’s how a little kid defined a famous hero’s superpowers:

  “The Hulk is a big green monster and when he needs to get things done, he turns into a scientist.”

  Ha! The little sprite got it backwards! (Or did he? J)

  Since you’re a hero, you probably have supersenses. But “normal” people? Not so much. The poor things have bad eyesight, lousy hearing, and they can’t smell very well either. That means they can be easily confused—and this can be hilarious! Here, let me show you what I mean.

  Lame Superpower Activity

  Giving Someone Imaginary Pain!

  Supplies: A friend, and a hot dog or long cookie (like biscotti or a Twix).

  Be very calm. Explain to your friend that you’d like to try a cool science experiment. (Or come up with some other lie!)

  Have your friend sit at a kitchen table with both fists’ knuckles resting against the edge of the table.

  Have your friend extend the right index finger forward.

  Place the hot dog or cookie where the left index finger would be if it were extended.

  Say that you are going to gently tap both the index finger and the cookie from front to back. As you tap, calmly ask if your friend feels his or her index finger being touched. (The answer will, of course, be “Yes.”)

  Then ask if he or she can feel you touching the cookie. (The answer will be “What? Are you insane?”)

  When you’re sure your friend is relaxed, take your fist and swiftly smash the hot dog or cookie. Amazingly, your friend will cry out in pain! But it’s imaginary pain that you created by being so awesome.

  Optional: For extra drama,
use a metal ladle or hammer to smash the hot dog or cookie. (And be careful to avoid the real finger!)

  Hey, I told you that was a lame superpower! Speaking of which, I have a friend with a weird ability. He randomly sticks to things. This is annoying (“Can someone get me down from this ladder?”), but at least he got a cool name: Adhesive Lad!

  And then there’s Kid Psycho. He can move things with his mind. (This is called “psychokinesis.”) At first, that sounds cool. The problem is that every time Kid Psycho uses this superpower, his life gets shortened by one year.

  What a rip-off! So in honor of the short-lived Kid Psycho, here are...

  The Ten Lamest Superpowers!